Friday, October 22, 2010

oh hatiku~~

minta maaf kepada sesapa yg ada terasa hati dengan saya....i cannot pretend to be someone i'm not :(

that's what i can really say tonight....taktaula kenapa hati ni..rasa nak marah pun ada, geram pun ada, bersalah pun ada...ntahla....

hanya Allah yang mengerti sebenarnya perasaan kita ni sebenar semua boleh kata itu ini terhadap kita, sedangkan kita ni takde pun niat nak menyakitkan,...if we are to be like who we are, how can we pretend to be someone else...huhu i am just the type of person who really enjoys my privacy and almost all the time, i'd like to be alone. i just don't know why, but that is simply me. Maybe how i've grown up has made me become the person i am.......

i do enjoy some company at times, when i choose to..and i'm glad that my best friend really understands that...when we really have some good free time, we'll meet up and have a chat..other than that, both us wouldn't mind the solitude and the not-contacting-each other for weeks, or even months?

i really get upset sometimes when people don't understand me, but then who am i to demand all that?

i did, at one time enjoy long conversations on the phone...but now, maybe i'm old enough to actually fill my time doing some reading...i mean SO MUCH reading that must be done and i don't even find myself to have the time to read everything...but when it comes to ppl bothering me and wanting my attention, and not really understanding the meaning of "sorry, i just don't wanna talk", i really get mad, not meaning that i blow up or anything...i just get this mixed feeling between guilt and grrr thing...guilty because i don't really have time to give all my attention to other people, and grrrrr because of the question in my mind that can't these people just understand my own needs............sometimes i feel that way too, in the midst of being alone and having no one to talk to...but i know i have someOne listening to me, waiting for my call each and every second of the day--and answers calls even at 3 in the morning.

Yes, Allah is the only one.

Again, i'm really sorry for not being able to become the person some people really want me to be...but take this advice, talk to HIM, coz He's listening all the time...and most of all, He reallly wants us to talk to HIM......coz afterall, even if u tell a person every single thing that's in ur heart, no one would just understand wht you go's HIM who knows..ALL Of it.

Monday, August 16, 2010


Syukur alhamdulillah, dah hari ke-6 Ramadhan, mudah-mudahan dapat meneruskan lagi dengan penuh penghayatan pada hari-hari seterusnya...

This Ramadhan feels a little different. Don't know why, maybe because i'm getting more matured...somehow i still miss the prosperous month of Ramadhan while I was in Madison. It is definitely more different there--coz you seem to be alone with no family members, and all you can depend on is yourself. I find myself more easily being myself when i'm alone. How i miss that feeling of having freedom and independence.

In your own country, you feel blessed with all the people surrounding you, of the same religion or culture. It makes you feel comfortable and it seems like there's nothing to worry about. But when you are all alone in a different place which you've never been to before, and only accompanied by friends or acquaintances that may come and go at anytime of the day, you definitely know there has to be SOMETHING or SOMEONE to cry on to. That i've experienced in US was not simply a journey of me studying abroad and getting a degree, come back and work. It WAS totally part of my intention,being the daughter who tries to make her parents happy. But it was NOT totally the outcome of what had been experienced---none that I could literally describe with words. So this is just mere description of what I can say. The going-through-everyday of what I used to call 'unwanted sacrifices' after all turned out to be something that I cherish and will cherish until the end of time --an experience of the heart and soul that I could never picture in just one single portrait. I'd rather call it the journey of the heart and soul because the whole 2+ years I was there, was spent in just to adapt to the whole situation while still trying to be a true Muslimah. These first two years only witnessed my physical presence. My heart and soul was somewhere else, in a world still full of wonders while my physical self was forced to go through the everyday routines that i HAD to do. I never knew it would be so hard to go through such thing, but now I'm glad He actually planned it just for me.

Even though i have a best friend back here in Malaysia, I would say my best friend while i was there were my tears. Almost the entire journey was flooded with me crying and thinking of things that I never really had to think about. I was probably too naive. Too naive that I didn't get to grasp the reality of life and what truth actually is. People would see me as someone too weak to even go through a small test, but I see it as something that gives me strength up until now, and I hope in the coming future.

As i'm thinking back to the days i had there, i never think so much about the degree i had or the sole reason/intention i had before. It was not a journey to satisfy my needs for this world per se, but something worth much more than anything i could think of. Each and every step involved must have its own reason and I know that Allah helps me all the way. If not for HIS will to keep me strong while shedding into tears, i'd just be dead. Not physically, but spiritually dead.

And finally, from everything that He made me go through, from the walking to classes and going through exams, to the personal issues put on my shoulder with some people making my life so miserable --throwing words at me, torturing my mind, I guess the latter part personal issues) was never necessary in the first place. But Allah thought it was something useful for me. And now, I do think the same too, because without those problems He made me suffer through, I wouldn't probably become the person I am actually now. And this Ramadhan just makes me flash back all the memories I had--and Oh, those iftars, tarawih prayers and tajweed classes, my arabic class and teacher! How I miss them.

So it was not the actuarial science degree that was the main was this journey of life that He wanted me to go through as a test that I thought i'd never be able to go through...And all that, made me change my intention in everything i do now...and there's only ONE sole reason in every single task in life, and the reason is HIM.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

~Adaruz Collections~ :)

Alhamdulillah dah selesai buat blog utk biz bersama Seedah & Soraya :)
our blog address is:

baru upload shawls and inner...there's plenty more to come!!

yeayy~~ hehe

Thursday, July 29, 2010

::Gambar favorite::

ni gambar favorite sbb all the three of us ada dlm pic..yg lain semua sbb takde org lain nak amik, mesti ada 2 org takleh la jadi favorite pic..hehe

:: can't wait ::

Salaam :D

semalam hari yang sunggguh panjang tp sangat enjoy...pengalaman yang tak dpt dilupakan bersama 2 org adik yg sgt comel...hehe

anyways tak sabar rasanya nak start business jualan tudung, blouse, dan dress..inshaAllah dlm bulan 8 ni dah boleh start jual...yeayy :)

hope my one month break from school will be worthwhile with this pastime, inshaAllah..yg penting biarlah niat baik kerana Allah dan tidak langsung berkaitan dengan kehendak duniawi...mudah-mudahan diberi peluang dan kejayaan dari masa ke masa...ameen...ya Rabb::

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

bila cinta tak lagi bermakna...

kadang-kadang susah nak buat setiap orang di sekeliling kita gembira. susah nak ikut rentak setiap orang...sampaikan selalunya diri kita yang terpaksa mengikut kehendak orang lain dan mengabaikan kehendak diri sendiri...

kadang-kadang sukar untuk buat orang faham diri kita, lantas kita berkorban demi memahami orang lain...bukan sengaja utk menyakitkan hati org, tapi dalam realiti tu mmg orang sakit hati dgn kita...kadang-kadang kecewa sbb tak dapat nak buat orang gembira dengan kita, tapi jiwa sendiri memerlukan perhatian juga..

baru-baru ni rasa bersalah sbb tak dpt nak tolong seseorang, disebabkan kesibukan diri sendiri...rasa bersalah jugak bila tak dapat nak meluangkan masa terutamanya bersama keluarga dan mungkin dengan cara/kelakuan sendiri buat mereka terasa...

tapi kalau diri sendiri tak dapat menguatkan hati untuk menempuh semua ni, taktaula apa nak jadi...sbb takde orang pun akan tolong...

apa2 pun semuanya takkan ada sorang pun yang mengerti...diri kita masing-masing menempuh segala dugaan yang unik dan diberi oleh Allah untuk kita sedar bahawa hanya Allah yang mengerti semua pada setiap masa....tiada satu manusia pun yang mengerti walau mcm mana kita mengadu sekalipun...kerana hanya Allah yang dapat mengambil watak itu...

akhir sekali, nk mintak maaf kat semua yang pernah disakiti sama ada secara sengaja atau tidak...dari ini diriku sgt sedar bahawa selalunya yang kita tak sengaja menyakitkan itulah yang buat kita lagi dekat dengan Allah...kerana hanya Dia yang faham, DIa yang tahu kenapa kita terpaksa melakukan apa yang kita perlu lakukan...

hanya Allah yang mengerti sepenuh-penuhnya...

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

i love you, honestly i do...

still have some more pages to write for the assignment..inshaAllah akan siap jugakkk...sikit-sikit lama2 jadi bukit jugak kan...apa-apa pun, as long as semua dilakukan kerana Allah, inshaAllah ada kebaikannya..mudah-mudahan Allah berkati dan sentiasa di sisiku yang selalu lemah dan tidak berdaya...ampunilah dosa hambaMu ini~~

p.s. ignore the titles of my blog..saje je buat contradictory--tajuk lain, isi lain :p
ok dah 1.31 a.m. nak tido japp