lamanya tak menulis di blog :p

it's been quite long since i wrote something in my blog...i've been busy with classes and plus, this week (23nov-8dec), I have to attend this course on research methodology for Usim's requirement. Undeniably, I am tired...having to submit a proposal on some area of research that i'm interested in...and with just a broad general topic, i actually got so much worried about the presentation today for defining our topics. But Alhamdulillah, praise be to Allah the Almighty, it went just well..next up is finishing up the proposal and putting into the details that I need...and then have to present again on the 7th of december..hope this next one will also go smoothly..inshaAllah..

Allahumma laa sahla illa maa ja'altahu sahla
wa anta taj'alul hazna iza shikta sahla

Sambutan Hari Merdeka?

Antara perkara yang dilakukan bagi menyambut hari kemerdekaan biasanya merupakan perbarisan yang disertai oleh kelab-kelab dari sekolah-sekolah seMalaysia. Sambutan hari kemerdekaan pada tahun ini, yang juga jatuh dalam bulan Ramadhan sememangnya harus disambut dengan penuh kesederhanaan. Sangat-sangat setuju. Namun, apa yang sedang bermain di fikiran adalah mengapakah sambutan-sambutan ini diadakan seandainya ia sekadar sambutan yang tidak memberi erti yang dalam bagi rakyat. Contoh yang paling ketara adalah apabila melaungkan bait-bait Rukun Negara terutamanya yang pertama iaitu Kepercayaan kepada Tuhan. Sebagai rakyat Malaysia, terutamanya yang Muslim, kita seharusnya sedar bahawa apa yang diucapkan itu sepatutnya menjadi panduan hidup kita dalam melaksanakan gerak-geri kita dalam aktiviti-aktiviti harian. Namun, apa yang saya lihat kini, semua ini hanyalah kata-kata yang disebut mulut, tetapi tidak dihayati oleh hati empunya badan. Contoh lain adalah dalam nyanyian lagu patriotik dengan penuh semangat dengan mengibarkan jalur gemilang tanpa mengendahkan hari yang panas lantaran sedang berpuasa. Apa yang diharapkan hanyalah setiap perasaan sewaktu itu dijadikan sesuatu iktibar dalam menjalani kehidupan pada hari-hari lain juga. Bukannya sekadar mengucapkan, menyanyi, dan hanya meninggalkan semua itu sebagai sejarah bagi sambutan kemerdekaan. Di jalan raya, misalnya. Apakah salahnya jika kita cuba mengingatkan diri kita bagaimana semangatnya menyambut hari merdeka dan melaungkan baris-baris rukun negara, "kepercayaan kepada Tuhan, hingga akhir sekali "Kesopanan dan kesusilaan". Adakah semua ini dipraktikkan dalam kehidupan kita seterusnya? Jika, ya, maka mengapakah masih terdapat pelbagai masalah di jalan raya, di kota, dan di segenap pelusuk negara kita? Ke manakah hilangnya semua semangat kenegaraan, tolong-menolong antara satu sama lain, dan segala kata-kata yang tertulis dalam lirik-lirik lagu kebangsaan yang dinyanyikan dengan penuh keyakinan itu?

Janganlah biar hanya mulut berbicara, tetapi anggota badan tidak melaksanakan tanggungjawab. Janganlah biar kata-kata sekadar perhiasan yang tidak kekal. Biarlah tiada sambutan penuh semangat sekalipun, asalkan semangat utuh di jiwa kekal ke akhir zaman, berterusan ke generasi yang lain...berbanding mengadakan sambutan penuh keramaian dan semangat jitu yang dipaparkan hanya sekadar lisan yang hanya bertahan selama sehari...

Haram baginya neraka...siapa dia?

Daripada Ibnu Mas'ud r.a., katanya, Rasulullah s.a.w. bersabda: "Sukakah engkau
semua saya beritahu tentang siapakah orang yang diharamkan masuk neraka atau
kepada siapakah neraka itu diharamkan memakannya? Neraka itu diharamkan untuk
orang yang dekat pada orang banyak (yakni baik dalam bergaul), lemah-lembut,
berhati tenang (tidak gelabah dalam menghadapi sesuatu)serta bersikap mudah
(yakni mudah dihampiri untuk diminta pertolongan)."

Diriwayatkan oleh Imam Tirmidzi dan ia mengatakan bahawa ini adalah Hadis hasan.

Karakter Fizikal Rasulullah

Ali ibnu Abi Thalib menggambarkan ciri fizikal Rasulullah s.a.w. :

Maksudnya :

"Postur tubuh Rasulullah s.a.w. tidak terlalu tinggi dan tidak terlalu pendek. Beliau memiliki perawakan yang sedang dibandingkan kaumnya. Rambut beliau tidak terlalu kerinting dan tidak lurus tergerai. Beliau berambut ikal, tidak gemuk, dan wajah beliau tidak terlalu bulat. Kulit beliau putih kemerah-merahan. Beliau memiliki bola mata yang hitam pekat, bulu mata yang lentik, serta bahu yang lebar dan tidak berbulu. Dada beliau berbulu. Telapak tangan dan kaki beliau tebal. Ketika berjalan, beliau seakan-akan melangkah menuruni tanah yang landai. Ketika menoleh, beliau menoleh dengan seluruh badan. Di antara kedua bahu beliau terdapat tanda kenabian. Beliau adalah nabi terakhir, manusia yang paling lapang dadanya, ucapannya paling bisa dipercaya, karakternya paling lembut, dan cara bergaulnya paling mulia. Siapa pun yang pertama kali melihat beliau, pasti segan. Tetapi, orang yang telah lama bergaul dengan beliau pasti mencintai beliau. Siapa pun yang mencuba menggambarkan karakter beliau pasti berkata "Aku tidak pernah melihat seorang pun yang sama seperti Rasulullah s.a.w., baik sebelum mahupun setelah beliau (wafat)"

(Riwayat Tirmidzi, Ibnu Sa'd. dan Baihaqi)

something interesting to ponder about;)

I took this from an email I received a few weeks ago
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet said, "Allah will give shade, to seven, on the Day when there will be no shade but His. (These seven persons are)
1. a just ruler,

2. a youth who has been brought up in the worship of Allah (i.e. worships Allah sincerely from childhood),

3. a man whose heart is attached to the mosques (i.e. to pray the compulsory prayers in the mosque in congregation),

4. two persons who love each other only for Allah's sake and they meet and part in Allah's cause only,

5. a man who refuses the call of a charming woman of noble birth for illicit intercourse with her and says: I am afraid of Allah,

6. a man who gives charitable gifts so secretly that his left hand does not know what his right hand has given (i.e. nobody knows how much he has given in charity),

7. and a person who remembers Allah in seclusion and his eyes are then flooded with tears."

(Sahih Bukhari) (Book #11, Hadith #629)

15 Syaaban

Bismillah,

Just a reminder for myself and whoever reads this ;)
tomorrow (or should i say since Maghrib just now), it's already 15 Syaaban. Alhamdulillah someone reminded me just now coz I was thinking that it was gonna be this friday...so as we are reminded about this blessed day, i think we should do our best in at least trying to do some zikir and du'a--especially for those that cannot pray...at least we could still remember Him through our zikirs. For those who are able to pray, why not we try to engligten the night with some sunnah prayers, if we are able to. At least.

There are a lot of things we could do in order to welcome this day. ALthough it is already a little to late (since all the prayers and du'a should be made after the Maghrib prayers) we can still try to appreciate it through any sunnah prayers at night..i have taken some infos from another website about nisfu syaaban, but in Malay (it doesn't matter, right?;p):

Antaranya yg termasyhur adalah:

1. Malam Dimustajabkan Doa
2. Malam Pembahagian Takdir
3. Malam Rahmat
4. Malam Berkat
5. Malam Pengampunan (Taubat)
6. Malam Penebusan
7. Malam Syafaat
8. Malam Penulisan
9. Malam Keagungan dan Kemuliaan
10. Malam Rezeki
11. Malam Hari Raya Para Malaikat
12. Malam Penghidupan

Antara kelebihan bulan Sya’aban:

1. Sesiapa berpuasa sehari dalam bulan Sya’aban maka Allah haramkan tubuhnya dari api neraka dan dia akan menjadi teman kpd nabi Allah Yusof didalam syurga.

2. Riwayat dari Osman Bin Abi Al-As, Sabda Nabi Muhammad (saw) : pada malam nisfu sya’aban setelah berlalu 1/3 malamnya, Allah turun ke langit dunia lalu berfirman : adakah orang-orang yang meminta maka Aku perkenankan permintannya , adakah orang yang meminta ampun maka aku ampunkannya , adakah orang yang bertaubat maka aku terima taubatnya dan diampunkan semua orang mukmin lelaki & perempuan , melainkan orang yang berzina atau orang yang berdendam marah hatinya kepada saudaranya.

I hope this does give us some info..inshaAllah keep praying and let us welcome Ramadhan in a few weeks time..inshaAllah we'll be blessed and loved by Allah always..

Why Grieve or Worry?

This is a reminder for me and anyone who reads it...

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD THAT GRIEF BRINGS BACK WHAT HAS BEEN LOST, OR THAT WORRY CORRECTS MISTAKES? SO WHY GRIEVE AND WORRY THEN?

We often grieve about things that are already said and done. We too always worry about things that are done in hoping for the best things to happen. Why do we need to grieve and worry? And why do we need to think so much about something when we have done our best in making an effort for that something? And clearly, as the quote above suggests, grieve and worry always brings you nowhere.

I don't know about other people, but I am the worry-type person. I think so much about something that I tend to worry and worry. But I realize that it cannot do anything for me at that time. But what i realize it could do is that when I think so much about this something, the outcome would be much smoother. In other words, I have thought so much about it and preparing myself to face the worst situation, and as a result, i end up doing okay in such thing.

I was so worried thinking about interviews and thus i prepared for them. And in the end, i went through it. Everything is just like that. I think about something. I worry. Then I get myself prepared. Finally, i do okay, Alhamdulillah. But the thing with this quote to me, personally is that it means to just worry and worry after we have worked hard to attain a particular achievement. And while waiting for the results, we worry. This is probably useless. Why? Because...the thing is over. Completely over. So why should we grieve or worry about something that we cannot correct anymore. All we could do is just pray and tawakkal, right? Unless we could do something about it, or we could somehow grab this super power to turn back time, then, probably grieving and worrying might be somewhat useful. That is completely NONSENSE!

Whatever it is, I really want to work my way out of this worrying stuff. I hate being worried. And i get stressed out when i worry a lot. And even if it does make me prepare for the worst situation, I should not let myself worry so much since whatever it is that i'm heading towards is already fixed by Allah. I mean it's okay to worry a bit to just get the gist of initiating an effort, but too much would do me crazy. And above all, shouldn't i always think for the best and think about the best instead of always thinking about the negative side...i think this quote best explains what i'm trying to say;):

DO NOT EXPECT TRIALS AND CALAMITIES, RATHER EXPECT PEACE AND SAFETY AND GOOD HEALTH, IF ALLAH WILLS

But this does not at all mean that we could just sit down and pray & only think about the best that could happen without even trying to accomplish a dream. It's after working so hard for something that we should "not expect trials and calamities" but should keep praying for "peace, safety, and good health" inshaAllah. =)

Wallahua'lam

**the two quotations were kidnapped from someone's email:p**

kenduri kawen;p

Bismillah..

I just wanted to write something about an interesting stuff i encountered today..I was at this wedding 'kenduri' with my sister. It was her friend's wedding and so we went to Kelab Shah Alam (i think?). When we arrived, my sister parked behind this lorry and we walked a little distance up the hill; suddenly my sister realized she lost her anklet. We then walked back along the path and i found it!;)
Okay that was not the point of writing. Anyways, after greeting the couples' parents, we went in the hall and wow! the bridegroom was just like him;p...i told my sister and she agreed with me up to the max. I couldn't stop looking at him but at the same time i told myself not to coz he's somebody's husband (!). And even if he weren't someone's husband, it'd still be wrong to look at him more than once. hiks. whatever it is, i really hope to get married with him=) (of course NOT the bridegroom la!, hihi)

i'm so glad to have Allah put my life story this way, despite the long journey of ups and downs, coz for the first time i just feel so much cared about even though we don't have all this mushy mushy stuff..and for the first time i feel that everything i want just blends in with what he wants. i have never felt much more understood by a guy and i'm so happy that our mission in life are just the same. and the most important thing is, the first time we met after a year knowing each other just felt so easy and unplanned and my heart just felt so calm seeing his face. it just seems like we've known each other for years. thank you (if you ever read this), for the kindness that you possess, the patience that you have in always dealing with me, the calmness you bring into my life every time i get overwhelmed with problems, the advices you give without giving up and most importantly, your sincerity in just accepting me the way i am and seeing my weaknesses as my strengths....all i hope is just that Allah answers my prayers and all that i have ever wanted in this life in being His full time slave;)amiin

some things just cannot go my way...

Bismillah,
Alhamdulillah things are back to normal again..But some things are just unchangeable...especially when it comes to my emotional needs. Okay, i don't want to start complaining. Everything is just temporary and so are all the bad feelings that are kept inside. Sometimes it's just not worth to talk about how i feel especially when people just won't understand me. And that shows that Allah wants me to talk to Him, and tell Him all my miseries and problems. Afterall, only He could help me settle all those stuff banging inside my head. Honestly, problems that i'm facing are just little little ones at the moment, compared to other people who are less fortunate. And I thank Allah for everything that i own and possess all this while. The problem is just that I think far too much from what i should. That's what's making me all haywire sometimes. Seriously, things are just too easy to put under control. It's whether I want to or not. It's all in my hands, as long as Allah lets me do them. And again, I really thank Him for letting me go through all this stuff coz it makes me a much mature person and in reality, He makes me realize how things in life are just unavoidable sometimes and the only way to solve problems is through compromising. Even though most of the time compromising seems too hard, it's always the easiest solution, as long as i can be patient with what i'm going through. Maybe i'm not yet on my way to face the real world, but i'm sure i'm ready to face any challenges that will come. All i need is a whole lot of faith, a little confidence, a bucket of support, and a pinch of trust.

Tawakkal

Bismillah..

I've been sitting at home for nearly a month now and i'm still hoping for something that is clearly suitable for me..and I keep reminding myself that there will always be something for me as long as i have some effort and at t he same time keep praying. Okay, enough of my babbles.

The concept of tawakkal is probably the most important thing that someone should learn to live peacefully on earth. If we realize how temporary this world is and how we should really obey Allah's rules, we will notice that the concept of tawakkal will keep us straight on His path. Sometimes we've worked so hard to gain something that we want without realizing that everything is already written for us even before we were born. And at that exact time where we fail to accomplish to reach our goals and desires, we feel apalled and stressed out, as though there is nothing else that could be done. This might lead us to feel like life is not on our side and even worse, we would feel that life is never fair. However, if we think positively, in terms of how Allah had created us, we would never feel this way. If we realize that we are only His slaves on earth, we would only do what is told and avoid ourselves from all the things He prohibits us to do. This is never easy. But if we could bow down and kneel to him, at the same time feel that there is nothing greater than Him, this process becomes something easier to do, as long as we practice it throughout our daily lives. I just read in a friends blog about something related to this kneeling process to Allah-she quoted that as human being we must face problems and these problems run from our head to our knees...and when we kneel down to Allah, our problems will slowly be solved as we get closer to Allah. And again, I'd like to quote something that she always writes in her blog : it doesn't take a genius to see and feel all this. It only needs someone who can actually realize how small and insignificant everything in this world is besides our imaan. If we can strive to be this kind of person, I would say 99% of the current global issues can be resolved. However, the ambiguity that lies in all aspects of human life blurs out the significance of reality. People are too busy thinking and planning for their future, their health, their beings in the future that they fail to rationalize that there is ONE being that is also planning; in fact, He has already planned it ages ago when we don't even know it. We as His slaves should take a step backwards and think about this thoroughly. I personally feel that the world is going too fast especially when I am outside and seeing people in the working life. People are getting too busy with their own work and thinking about themselves and what's going to happen next. But we actually need to always remind ourselves where those things are going to bring us. When every little thing happens to us, we should stop for a moment and think why this is happening. We need to put our egoistic selves aside and see if these things are happening because of our own weaknesses or others. And for sure, people will definitely, (and always) point their fingers to other people. Why does this happen? I guess 90% of it comes from the zero level of tawakkal in our hearts: A person who has full sincerity towards Allah and acts only for the sake of Allah will definitely (and easily) obtain this concept of tawakkal. They will never point to others' faults nor will they complain and complain every time something doesn't go their way. Yes, they will certainly work hard to achieve something they really want badly, but if that thing is not on their side, they understand that it is a sign from Allah that this something is just not for them. But no, they never complain. They accept it freely without feeling regretful or angry. It is undeniable that sometimes we will feel sad, but the sad feeling will not lead is to feeling lost or hopeless, if we are the true believers. Think about it, and think deeply. This is just a reminder for myself and whoever gets the opportunity to read this. Just a quick note from the Quran in surah at-Talaq, Allah already reminded us about the concept of tawakkal, and here goes:

And for those who fear Allah, He (ever) prepares a way out (2) And He provides for him from (sources) he never could imagine. And if anyone puts his trust in Allah, sufficient is (Allah) for him. For Allah will surely accomplish His purpose: verily, for all things has Allah appointed a due proportion. (3)

Wallahua'lam

some views are just unacceptable.

Bismillah...

yesterday i was at this event called "Hijab for a day"..the event was part of the Islam Awareness Week organized by the MSA..well it was disappointing to see not many people come...and even the MC said the number of people present was not up to MSA's expectation. Well...it came to be that they changed it to a sort of a group discussion...so the panels talked and gave their introductory statements..and the first three were fine...views about how I myself feel about wearing hijab...however, the fourth panel said something different. VERY DIFFERENT. At least in my view.

She said she did a lot of research about why we Muslims had to wear the hijab..and somehow for years after doing the research, she felt from her perspective that there is not any any statement to judge and say firmly that it's compulsory to put on a hijab. WHAT? The shout in my heart almost came out from my mouth. But I managed to calm down a bit and tried to view it positively. POSITIVELY? HOW? Isn't what she said contradictory to the real teachings of ISLAM? definitely YES.

Well as she talked and talked about her experiences, it could be understood that it was quite a challenge for her being brought up in the US having to deal with people pulling off her hijab..making people curious about why she had to wear it. BUT, I don't think there's any way people could just make assumptions to whether it is compulsory or not. It is just so clear that wearing a hijab is COMPULSORY. Honestly, i've seen all these things happen. Sometimes, it is for sure a challenging thing to do especially when you are not in a Muslim country. I myself have gone through such episodes where people are curious to know what's inside the hijab and even have experienced drunk people asking me whether I'm bald. To me, every single part of my everyday life doesn't happen for no reason. I'm sure that Allah has given permission for it to happen. If not, it will never happen. So when I think this way, I take it as a challenge for myself, but at the same time, I know it is probably as a test that Allah wants to give me. I know I'm just talking about having to live here for 4 years compared to her experience living in the US for all her life. BUT, wouldn't it be the greatest sacrifice to do something for the sake of Allah and ignoring how other people view you? Isn't Allah's view towards you the most important thing in this world?

I just can't accept the view. I'm not allowing my pessimism to conquer my rational nature. Neither am I being too closed minded about this thing. To put it in simple words, it is just Allah's Command. Full stop.

How can she say that she feels much more comfortable having times where she wears the hijab. And gladly say that sometimes people would see her without the hijab on campus. How can this on-and-off thing show the function of the hijab? Today she covers and people don't know what the covered parts look like. And tomorrow, she uncovers, letting everyone see her supposed-to-be-covered parts. It just doesn't make sense of how the hijab is supposed to function.

Whatever it is, I hope I'm not the only one feeling this way. I did definitely see a few weird faces after listening to what she had to say. And I hope those weird faces did mean "how could she say this?!" And the worst thing is just the views of non-Muslim people present in the event. Wouldn't they feel that how could all these rules be interpreted differently---even contradictorily and especially about wearing hijab. I know that there will always be a khilaf in almost any rules in Islam...but it doesn't come up to the extent to say that the Quran didn't make wearing the hijab something compulsory. I will inshaAllah be firm with my views and not taking all this as something I should accept just because she's the advisor of the MSA! only Allah knows.

post-Real Estate-exam

Bismillah..

Hari ini aku selesai 'midterm Real Estate' setelah bertungkus lumus menelaah semuanya..terima kasih ya Allah kerana menemaniku sentiasa...walau kerisauan menggunung tinggi, ku tetap berserah dan bertawakkal kepadaMu...aku telahpun berusaha untuk semua...dan aku terlalu bersyukur dengan apa yang ada...apalah daya diri ini untuk mengatasi takdirMu...jika sememangnya baik untukku, pasti akan Engkau hadiahkan keputusan yang cemerlang. Seandainya bukan milikku kemenangan kali ini, janganlah Engkau wujudkan rasa kekecewaan yang tidak berakhir...aku sedar, dalam apa jua sekali pun perlakuan manusia, semuanya akan kembali berkait denganMu...tidak ada satu pun yang terjadi tanpa ada signifikan yang membuatku akan terfikirkanMu...setiap apa yang aku lalui, pasti aku sedar bahawa ia adalah dariMu...terutamanya bila aku menghadapi peperiksaan...aku gentar. dan aku pasti akan kelam kabut memikirkan bagaimana jika aku gagal. Tetapi adakah aku berfikir sedahsyat itu apabila mengharungi ujian dariMu? bukankah aku sepatutnya lebih mahu berjaya dalam ujian 'hidup' yang Engkau berikan selama ini...aku sedar, segala markah2 ujian dan peperiksaan di sekolah, kolej, dan universiti hanyalah sebagai jalan cerita. Memanglah ia penting untuk mendapat pekerjaan dan sebagainya..namun apakah erti berjaya mendapat 90++ dlm peperiksaan tetapi tidak dapat bersyukur..apakah ertinya berjaya mendapat markah paling tinggi tetapi tidak dapat mengaitkan rahmatMu yang ada di sebalik kejayaan itu...apakah ertinya kejayaan itu tanpa ada pengorbanan semata-mata keranaMu?

Dahulu...aku sering belajar kerana mahukan keputusan yang cemerlang. Namun kini, setelah Engkau berikanku kesedaran, aku masih berusaha dalam mencari ilmu, dan aku masih bertungkus lumus menelaah pelajaran..namun, niatku telah berubah sama sekali. Aku menjadi yakin bahawa jika aku berusaha keranaMu, pasti akan ku kecapi kejayaan. Kejayaan itu bukan bererti kejayaan dalam masa terdekat semata-mata..tetapi kejayaan yang ku harapkan ini adalah kejayaan di akhirat nanti..Kini, aku sentiasa pasrah terhadap apa sahaja yang terjadi, walau kadangkala terbit rasa kecewa di hati. Maksud Islam itu sendiri adalah menyerah diri pada yang Esa..jadi...bukankan menjadi kewajipan untukku sentiasa terima apa sahaja yang Engkau tetapkan...

aku kan sentiasa menerima dengan redha..apa sahaja yang Engkau tetapkan buatku...tetapi tunjukkanlah bagiku jalan yang lurus..dan janganlah Engkau pesongkan jalan itu, sesudah Engkau luruskan untukku....amiin

di manakah aku sebenarnya...?

semuanya terlalu bermakna...

Bismillah...

Aku tidak dapat menahan rasa terharu di jiwa...aku tidak tahu bagaimana hendak meluahkan pada sesiapa kerana tiada siapa yang mungkin mengerti...aku jatuh rebah menyerah padaMu ya Allah yang menciptakan segalanya lalu dengan rahmat kasih sayangMu Engkau wujudkan rasa di hati ini...aku terlalu bersyukur dengan nikmat dan perjalanan hidupku yang Engkau tetapkan...aku akui itulah yang terbaik untuk diriku...dan hanya Engkau yang mengetahuinya...jika tidak Engkau jadikan segala pengalamanku ini, tidak mungkin aku menjadi diriku kini...segala pujian bagiMu ya Allah...
setiap detik ku memikirkan jika ada waktu yang melarikan fikiranku dariMu, janganlah biarkan ia berlari jauh...bawakanlah ia semula ke jalan yang sebenarnya, yang Engkau redhai...kerana aku tahu itu lebih baik buat diriku, walaupun ranjaunya berduri. Ku kini lebih tabah. Lebih sabar. Lebih redha. Lebih memahami erti cinta sebenar-benarnya...
Jika tidak Engkau temani aku dalam perjalanan kehidupanku selama ini, apakah erti semuanya...sememangnya sia-sia. Engkaulah satu-satunya yang berada bersamaku setiap masa, setiap detik, setiap denyutan jantungku....hanya Engkaulah yang menemaniku setiap masa, mendengar rintihan hatiku yang langsung tidak bersuara...Engkau Maha Kuasa..Maha Agung...
Kini aku risau...aku khuatir kepulanganku ke Malaysia mungkin membuatku jauh dariMu...aku akan berada di keliling orang ramai..dan mungkin aku tidak dapat berfikir seperti sekarang. Aku akan sibuk dengan kerja...dan masaku akan diisi dengan segala tanggungjawab...tetapi ya Allah, janganlah Engkau tarik perasaan dekat padaMu ini setiba aku di tanah air nanti...janganlah biarkan perkara-perkara lain menjauhkan diriku daripadaMu...janganlah ada sesuatu yang mencuriMu daripadaku...aku tidak akan mampu...itu aku terlalu pasti dan tidak mungkin dapat ku merasa gembira, andai semua perasaan ini Engkau tarik dariku...
Mungkinkah aku akan terus berjalan sambil mengingatiMu...mungkinkah aku akan terus menikmati keindahan alam lalu terfikirkanMu...mungkinkah aku akan menghirup udara segar di pagi yang mendung lalu mengingatiMu...mungkinkah dapatku merasa lagi angin sejuk membeku di musim salji semasa ku menuruni bukit lalu merasakan betapa besarnya kuasaMu....mungkinkah aku dapat menjadi seorang yang lebih bersyukur....
Aku tahu, keadaanku yang bersendiri di sini yang membolehkan aku merasa semua ini...kerana bila insan itu sendiri, ia pasti akan mencari sesuatu...sesuatu yang paling bermakna buat dirinya...iaitu Penciptanya...aku pasti merindui jalan-jalan yang menyaksikan zikirku padaMu...burung-burung yang menyanyi setibanya musim bunga yang masih belum habis dicelah-celah musim salji...salji yang turun dan meninggi..lalu menghasilkan kilauan cahaya bak permata yang putih berseri...perasaan ku bersamaMu di ketika menentang arus perjalanan di kalangan 'mereka' (mungkinkah mereka bakal sedar akan kekuasaanMnu...?)...perasaan yang membuatkan ku terasa seperti hanya berada bersamaMu walaupun dalam keramaian itu...Mungkinkah akan ku dapat semua ini lagi ya Allah? kerana aku meninggalkan Malaysia dalam keadaan aku jahil tentang semua ini...seolah-olah tidak pernah mendapat kesedaran dan cahaya itu....mungkinkah kepulanganku kali ini mengubah semua ini? walaupun terlalu gembira aku mengharapkan saat bersama keluarga, namun aku risau...risau akan kehilanganMu dari hatiku...janganlah ya Allah...tetapkanlah keadaanku begini...biarlah ku terpaksa menentang arus ...biarlah semua orang mengata padaku..biarlah aku bersedih dan menangis..biarlah aku miskin...biarlah seindah mana dunia ini mencari mangsanya...biarlah aku sendirian...asalkan ku tetap berpegang padaMu, ditemaniMu setiap waktu...janganlah Engkau benarkan apa-apa atau sesiapa mencuriMu dari hatiku.............kerana ku tahu di situ ku takkan mampu...takkan mungkin mampu....walau untuk seketika...

perasaan yang kian mendalam..

Bismillah,

Aku sedar segala perasaan ini akan datang dan pergi..aku memaksa diriku untuk biarkan ia pergi...walaupun jauh di sudut hatiku, aku tahu bahawa ia tetap dan takkan mungkin berubah...aku memaksa diriku menafikan semua yang tersembunyi di dada agar ia tidak terbit dan terus dilayani...aku sedih, kecewa apabila dia seolah-olah tidak ada perasaan terhadapku...aku menangis bila memikirkan seolah-olah aku sahaja yang memerlukannya...aku merintih pedih bila terasa tiada siapa di sisiku...sekali lagi, aku TEWAS. Secara warasnya, siapakah aku ini untuk bersedih dan kecewa apabila dia tidak menyatakan perasaannya terhadapku...adakah aku berhak menerima kasih sayangnya dalam keadaan begini; yang belum lagi halal buatku...adakah aku berhak memerlukannya sedangkan dia hanya seorang lelaki yang tidak pernah ku temui dan belum menjadi suamiku..berhakkah aku untuk merintih pedih kerana terasa ingin seseorang di sisiku sedangkan aku tak mampu melakukan apa2 buat masa ini...siapakah aku untuk merasa disisihkan apabila dia tidak memberitahu bahawa dia sedang sakit dan siapakah aku untuk merasa tidak diperlukan di saat aku belum menjadi isterinya...terlalu pedih perasaan ini...pedih lagi untuk menafikannya...aku tahu hakikatnya adalah dia tidak mahu semuanya tercemar dengan kemesraan yang tiada redha-Nya, restu-Nya...aku pun begitu..namun sesekali aku pasti terasa ingin menggapai kasihnya itu...dan apabila ku gagal, pasti ku kecewa...tapi kecewa pada dasar yang salah? tidakkah aku patut bersyukur bila dia tegas seperti itu? bukankah aku sendiri yang tidak mahu menghubunginya untuk mengelakkan segala perasaan...aku keliru..keliru dengan perasaan hati sendiri...semuanya hanyalah ujian dari Allah untuk menguji sama ada aku benar2 kuat dalam mengharungi lautan penuh ombak mengganas...aku sedar, setiap apa yang dilakukan itu bukanlah bukti dia tidak mengambil berat tentangku..apatah lagi membenciku...tetapi mungkin kerana dia terlalu sayang padaku dan tidak mahu aku dan dia jatuh ke jurang yang dalam...aku bersyukur...dan gerakan hatinya itu sememangnya dari Allah...dan Allah sendiri tidak mahu aku terjatuh sekali lagi...kasih sayang Allah itu terlalu meluas...tetapi mengapa terlalu sedikit aku bersyukur...peringatan dari Allah itu sentiasa ada...tetapi mengapa aku terlalu lalai dan alpa...pintu rahmat Allah itu sentiasa terbuka...tetapi mengapa jarang2 aku mengambil peluang memasukinya...ya Allah...ampunkanlah hatiku yang sentiasa ingin dikasihi dan mengasihi...ampunkanlah aku bila aku terlalu mencintainya..dan makbulkanlah niatku agar dapat ku melayari bahtera kasih sayang itu dengan redha-MU di sisiku...ku terlalu mengharapkanMu...

tERRpaKu

bismillah..

aku sungguh terpaku sebenarnya bila memikirkan tentang perkahwinan..adakah ianya sesuatu yang salah? ataupun bercakap tentang ingin berkahwin pada usia ini menunjukkan seseorang itu terlalu 'desperate'? aku bingung sebentar. Jadi, adakah segala aktiviti 'bercouple' itu halal dan tidak menuju ke arah maksiat? Aku berfikir lagi. Aku tidaklah kisah seandainya seseorang itu menentang perkahwinan di usia muda jika dia sendiri tidak memiliki apa2 perasaan pada siapa2...tetapi yang aku tak dapat menerima adalah apabila melihat gelagat mereka yang sedang dalam hubungan tetapi menentang keras apabila digalakkan untuk bernikah sahaja. Aku sedar..siapalah aku utk berbicara tentang semua ini, tetapi niatku sudah lama terkubur untuk meniti hari yang bahagia itu...ia satu perkara yang mulia dan diredhai oleh Allah...jadi apabila sudah terbit perasaan antara seorang wanita dan lelaki, bukankah satu-satunya cara untuk menghalalkan semua itu adalah dengan pernikahan? ku mengerti, mungkin ada yang menyatakan masalah kewangan..tetapi bukankah Allah pasti mencukupkan rezeki bagi hambaNya yang bernikah demi-Nya...itu adalah janji Allah...dan janji Allah itu pasti benar....

sungguh... andai ditanya bab percintaan...sudah cukup bagiku dan aku mohon pada Allah agar tidak lagi ku terpaksa meredahi fasa demi fasa dalam mencari pasangan hidupku...buat pertama kalinya aku merasakan bahawa aku tak terlalu merisaukan perkara ini..setelah mengenali dirinya, aku seolah-olah merasa begitu yakin akan janji Allah...dan aku tidak huru hara lagi dalam memastikan cinta itu milikku...kerana ku sedar bahawa segala cinta adalah milik-Nya...dan ku hanya perlu berdoa dan yakin pada janji-Nya itu...personalitinya sungguh memikat kalbuku, terutamanya kelembutan paras rupanya...apatah lagi bila mendalami dirinya yang begitu tegas dalam menjaga agama. Aku juga telah menjadi ujian baginya, aku pasti..kerana aku terlalu ingin bermanja dan bermesra apabila aku sudah menyayanginya...tapi aku tahu, itu bukanlah jalan yang betul untukku...dan seandainya aku ingin kesucian dalam hubungan ini, aku mesti mengelak sama sekali semua ini, terutamanya berfikir tentangnya...aku berusaha, dan aku tahu Allah melihat segalanya...dan aku dapat merasakan Allah itu dekat denganku dan memberi pertolongan kepadaku...sungguh benar kata2 "apabila kita berusaha melakukan sesuatu kerana Allah, pasti Allah akan mencukupkan semuanya untuk kita..". Allah itu terlalu adil. Dan tidak ada keraguan dalam keadilan-Nya. Allah itu Maha penyayang. Dan tidak ada kecacatan dalam kasih sayang-Nya. Allah itu Maha Mendengar. Dan tidak ada satu saat pun yang Dia tidak mendengar rintihan hamba-Nya. Sungguh, aku bersyukur dapat mengenali insan sepertinya kerana sungguh, aku telah penat, lelah, kecewa dalam mengatur percintaanku. Aku yakin sememangnya cinta ini bukan dipaksa apatah lagi direka...tetapi semata-mata ditakdirkan oleh Allah untuk aku dan dia...dan walaupun kini aku terus mendiam seribu bahasa daripada berdoa untuk dijodohkan dengannya, aku pasti Allah lebih mengetahui apa yang tersembunyi di benak hatiku...dan sungguh aku tak dapat menipu hati sendiri kerana di situ letaknya cinta kerana Dia....di hatiku yang bisu tetapi berbicara...yang lumpuh tetapi mampu mengeluarkan air mata...yang sepi tetapi tetap ada yg melewatinya...yang dahaga tetapi tetap ada minumannya...yang nampak suram tetapi tetap tersenyum...hanya Allah yang mengetahui semuanya...dan bagaimanakah masih aku boleh mengingkari suruhan-Nya sedangkan hanya Dia yang sentiasa bersamaku...setiap detik, setiap saat, setiap denyutan jantungku....

hmm gatal2 (bukan miang!)

Bismillah..

i dunno why my hands are getting worse...it itches all over my 'tapak tangan' hehehe...yesterday it wasn't so bad...but now i think i really need some medication..coz sudah kekebasan..hmmm nyway, maybe tanda nak suruh tulis banyak2 dlm blog ni..he he he..setiap penyakit tu kan ada sebabnya..dan mungkin sebabnya adalah Allah wants me to be patient...kalau nak dibandingkan dengan penyakit2 yang lagi teruk, apa la sangat penyakit yg ada padaku ni..sungguh ku bersyukur dengan segala yang telah diberikan Allah...tak ternilai segalanya...apa lah salahnya aku bersabar dengan sesuatu yang diuji-Nya kerana pasti ada hikmah di sebalik segala...

2 beautiful songs..

Two songs out of so many that i'm currently listening to..just love the lyrics~
Segenggam Tabah...
Bertali arus dugaan tiba
Menakung sebak airmata
Namun tak pernah pun setitis
Gugur berderai di pipi
Tidak ditempah hidup sengsara
Suratan nasib yang melanda
Menongkah badai bergelora
Diredah bersendirian
Bagaikan camar pulang senja
Patah sayapnya tetap terbang jua
Sekadar secicip rezeki
Buat yang sedang rindu menanti
Segenggam tabah dipertahankan
Buat bekalan di perjalanan
Kau bebat luka yang berdarah
Kau balut hati yang calar

Telah tertulis suratan nasibmu
Derita buatmu ada hikmahnya
Terlukis senyum di bibir lesu
Tak siapa tahu hatimu
Biarpun keruh air di hulu
Mungkinkah jernih di muara
Biarpun jenuh hidup dipalu
Pasti bertemu tenangnya

Damba KasihMu

Semakin jauh ku dari-Mu
Semakin dekat pula Kau menghampiri daku
Oh, Tuhan Yang Maha Pengasih
Siapalah diriku di pandangan-Mu

Semakin cuba ku dekati
Semakin kuat pula Kau mendugai aku
Oh, Tuhan Yang Maha Sempurna
Kerdilnya diriku di hadapan-Mu

C/O
Bagaimanakah nantinya tika berhadapan dengan-Mu
Sudikah Kau menerima hamba-Mu yang hina ini
Ya Allah Kau Maha Pengampun

Di bayangan mentari aku kealpaan
Dusta dunia penuh kepura-puraan
Di kala dini hari aku kepasrahan
Mendamba jernih embun kasih sayang-Mu Oh Tuhan

Andainya dihitung amalanku
Belum pasti dapat ku hampiri gerbang syurga-Mu
Oh Tuhan Yang Maha Pemurah
Hindari diriku dari siksa-Mu… Oh Tuhan

Kasih sayang-Mu Tuhan
Itu yang ku dambakan
Dengan rahmat-Mu ampunilah diriku..

the 3rd trial?

Bismillah..
well..i dunno how many times my blog wants to 'run' away from me..or maybe 'kidnapped' from me...nyways, i hope it sticks with me this time..this is just testing..might continue just a little bit later...;)

hrmm..i'm actually on spring break right now...and as much as i feel i have nothing to do, i doo seriously have a LOT going on in my mind. And I mean a LOT. so just to list a few (this is not complaining--i'm just reminding myself:p)...i have all the school work..ranging from OTM 300...oh wait, let me list them in numbers..that would make it easier for my planning too...hehe
1. OTM-300, need to do some research for the project which is due like 2 weeks after this break..and by this sunday i need to give some sort of outline for the articles i've read..hmm..when do i start?
2. i have econ 301 homework (problem set # 7) to finish..i almost started it today thinking that we will be going out on tuesday and wednesday...hmm but i didn't actually start that...so...? no comment.
3. Real Estate 306....hrm next week maybe?
4. philosophy? catch up readings? weee so much to do yet i can still write this blog..he he he
5. act sci 653? the hardest and most complicated subject of the year award..i just need a break! heee
6. so all these are on my mind right now, but there are also other stuff...(not related to academic stuff..here goes....going back to malaysia in about 2 months..shipping? subletting the apartment? if i don't find a sublettor (did i spell that correct?) i will need to pay like $1000+? huuu...after settling with going back..work work work? what job will i venture into? getting married? hrmm stop right there. full stop.
ok..that is what usually goes around in my mind..i dunno why i just tend to think sooo much about stuff...even the deepest inquisitions ppl have..i even like to think what makes a person acts the way they do...sometimes i think tooo much about other ppl...maybe fAR TOO MUCH ;(
an advice to myself:
"every single thing that you are worried about is something normal to you...Allah grants that as a gift to you so that you are aware of everything that happens around you..so that you can be alert with whatever is waiting for you in the future...and with that, organizers don't ever work for you...even if you've bought them every semester..coz everything is just on your mind..you don't forget things easily, especially numbers!..and for that, you should not always think of all these things as a burden but something special that you possess...(alhamdulillah). And another thing, worrying about the future is probably a must..but you don't have to worry TOO MUCH..coz everything is planned out for you by Allah and even if you worry about it and plan so much for it, Allah's plan is the one that will always be the outcome...so as for your job, just pray for the best job and as long as it is halal and Allah grants His will for it, then you'll do fine...and about marriage...hmm...the same thing..just pray pray pray...Allah is always always always there to listen to every single thing that come out of you..even when your mouth is shut...;)"

hee talking to myself sounds crazy sometimes...but this is usually what i do through writing...