Monday, August 16, 2010

::Alhamdulillah::

Syukur alhamdulillah, dah hari ke-6 Ramadhan, mudah-mudahan dapat meneruskan lagi dengan penuh penghayatan pada hari-hari seterusnya...

This Ramadhan feels a little different. Don't know why, maybe because i'm getting more matured...somehow i still miss the prosperous month of Ramadhan while I was in Madison. It is definitely more different there--coz you seem to be alone with no family members, and all you can depend on is yourself. I find myself more easily being myself when i'm alone. How i miss that feeling of having freedom and independence.

In your own country, you feel blessed with all the people surrounding you, of the same religion or culture. It makes you feel comfortable and it seems like there's nothing to worry about. But when you are all alone in a different place which you've never been to before, and only accompanied by friends or acquaintances that may come and go at anytime of the day, you definitely know there has to be SOMETHING or SOMEONE to cry on to. That i've experienced in US was not simply a journey of me studying abroad and getting a degree, come back and work. It WAS totally part of my intention,being the daughter who tries to make her parents happy. But it was NOT totally the outcome of what had been experienced---none that I could literally describe with words. So this is just mere description of what I can say. The going-through-everyday of what I used to call 'unwanted sacrifices' after all turned out to be something that I cherish and will cherish until the end of time --an experience of the heart and soul that I could never picture in just one single portrait. I'd rather call it the journey of the heart and soul because the whole 2+ years I was there, was spent in just to adapt to the whole situation while still trying to be a true Muslimah. These first two years only witnessed my physical presence. My heart and soul was somewhere else, in a world still full of wonders while my physical self was forced to go through the everyday routines that i HAD to do. I never knew it would be so hard to go through such thing, but now I'm glad He actually planned it just for me.

Even though i have a best friend back here in Malaysia, I would say my best friend while i was there were my tears. Almost the entire journey was flooded with me crying and thinking of things that I never really had to think about. I was probably too naive. Too naive that I didn't get to grasp the reality of life and what truth actually is. People would see me as someone too weak to even go through a small test, but I see it as something that gives me strength up until now, and I hope in the coming future.

As i'm thinking back to the days i had there, i never think so much about the degree i had or the sole reason/intention i had before. It was not a journey to satisfy my needs for this world per se, but something worth much more than anything i could think of. Each and every step involved must have its own reason and I know that Allah helps me all the way. If not for HIS will to keep me strong while shedding into tears, i'd just be dead. Not physically, but spiritually dead.

And finally, from everything that He made me go through, from the walking to classes and going through exams, to the personal issues put on my shoulder with some people making my life so miserable --throwing words at me, torturing my mind, I guess the latter part personal issues) was never necessary in the first place. But Allah thought it was something useful for me. And now, I do think the same too, because without those problems He made me suffer through, I wouldn't probably become the person I am actually now. And this Ramadhan just makes me flash back all the memories I had--and Oh, those iftars, tarawih prayers and tajweed classes, my arabic class and teacher! How I miss them.

So it was not the actuarial science degree that was the main agenda..it was this journey of life that He wanted me to go through as a test that I thought i'd never be able to go through...And all that, made me change my intention in everything i do now...and there's only ONE sole reason in every single task in life, and the reason is HIM.

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